Somebody told you that if you want more work, you have to get out and network. So you went. Sixty people, a room that got louder every minute, and a sticker with your name on it. You talked to two of them, ran out of things to say, and left early with a pocket of cards you never called. On the drive home you are asking yourself whether you are just bad at this, whether you have to turn into somebody louder to get referrals, and whether there is a version of this that does not wipe out the rest of your night.
You do not have to work the room. Quiet people get referrals by having a few real conversations in a group that keeps the same faces, and then making the request one to one over coffee.
- Twenty handshakes leaves nobody able to describe what you do. Two real conversations gives you two people who can.
- A group with one seat per trade and the same members every meeting suits you better than an open mixer, because nothing starts over.
- Prepare the one minute you get to speak, so you never have to break into a circle to be heard.
- Make the request in a scheduled one to one, not in the crowd.
Why this holds: a good referral group is already built the way you would design a room for yourself. You can see which format fits you in this post on category-exclusive groups compared with open networking events, or check the where to network tool for the groups that meet near you.
I am Dr. Michael Wendrow. I have run a chiropractic office in North Miami for more than 30 years, and I started Prime Time Business Network in 2012. I have never been the loudest person in any room I have walked into, and I have watched a lot of quiet members out-earn the loud ones. By the end of this post you will know whether what you feel is introversion or something else, why the networking advice you keep finding does not fit a business owner, how to pick a room that suits you, what to do before you leave the house, and how one conversation turns into referrals.
- Being tired after a room and dreading a room are two different things with two different fixes.
- The person you meet is not your customer. They are somebody who sits in front of your customer.
- Count how many people can describe what you do, not how many hands you shook.
- Pick a room with a fixed seat and a set agenda, so you know exactly when you speak.
- Nothing gets decided in the crowd. The business happens in the coffee that follows.
Am I an Introvert, or Is Something Else Going On?
Being drained by a room and dreading a room are not the same thing, and the fix is different for each. Most of us mean the first one. You handle the evening fine, and then you need the rest of the night alone to feel normal again. The hard part comes after, not before. Nothing about that needs fixing, and none of the advice below asks you to change it.
The second is worth naming, because a lot of people carry it and call it shyness. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, social anxiety disorder "may resemble extreme shyness or avoidance of public situations or social interactions," and people who have it "blush, sweat, or tremble," feel their "mind going blank," and "expect the worst possible consequences from a negative social situation."
Here is the part that matters to you: the fear shows up days before you go, not on the way home. If that sounds like your week, no conversation opener will touch it, and you should talk to your doctor rather than push harder. The same institute says that with treatment and support, people who have it "can manage their anxiety and improve their quality of life." I am a chiropractor, not the right person to treat it, and I would rather say so.
Why the Advice You Keep Finding Does Not Fit You
Almost every guide on this subject was written for somebody looking for a job. That is why it tells you to work the room and meet as many people as possible. A job hunter is fishing for one opening, so volume makes sense for them.
You are not doing that. You own the business, and the person you shake hands with is almost never going to buy from you. They matter because of who they already sit in front of. Your bookkeeper sits with owners all day. Your insurance guy hears somebody mention a sore back and thinks nothing of it, because nobody taught him what it meant.
So the number to count is not how many people you met. It is how many walked out able to say what you do to somebody else. Twenty rushed introductions score zero. Two slow ones score two. Look at it that way and the room stops being a test you are failing. This is the same reason a referral closes better than an ad: one person vouched for you out loud.
Pick the Room Before You Try to Fix Yourself
Most people try to become a different person and never think about the room. The room is the easier thing to change.
The U.S. Small Business Administration described how these groups are built back in June 2017, and three of those pieces do the work for you. A group "typically restricts membership to one person from each profession, specialty or industry," so nobody is competing with you for the same seat. Members "commit to attending all meetings and arriving promptly," which means the same faces come back, and a conversation you started last time picks up instead of starting over. And these groups "follow a highly-structured agenda," so you know in advance exactly when you speak and for how long.
That last one is the whole difference. In an open room you have to interrupt somebody to be heard, while in a structured one you get a scheduled minute and nobody talks over it. Prepare that minute once and the hardest part of the night is handled before you arrive. Here is how to build a 60-second introduction you can say the same way every time.
Five Things to Do Before You Leave the House
Everything that has gone badly for me at one of these started with walking in cold. These five take fifteen minutes and carry most of the evening.
- Say your one line out loud in the car. Not in your head. Out loud, twice. The first time you hear your own voice should not be in front of thirty people.
- Decide your number, and make it two. Two real conversations is a good night. Writing down a bigger number is how you end up rushing three people and remembering none of them.
- Pick one person before you go. Look at who was there last time and choose one you want to talk to. Having a target beats scanning a room.
- Give yourself a leaving time. Ninety minutes is plenty. Knowing you can go at 8:30 is what lets you relax at 7:30.
- Keep the rest of the night empty. Book nothing after. You will want the quiet, and planning for it stops you resenting the event on the way.
Once You Are Inside: Where to Stand and What to Say
Get there early. Ten people in a half-empty room is a conversation, while the same ten inside a full one is a wall you have to walk into. Arrive first and the room fills up around you.
Then stand where people come to you. The coffee, the food table, the sign-in sheet. Everybody passes through, and nobody has to be interrupted for a hello. The doorway is the worst spot in any room, because people are moving through it with somewhere to be.
For openers, use short questions and let them do the talking. "What brought you here tonight?" works on anybody. So does "Who is a good customer for you?", which is the one I use most, because people light up and you learn who to send work to. The Small Business Administration put it plainly in its networking guide from November 2018: "Listening is the secret to making sales, and it's also the secret to successful networking." That is your advantage. Most of the room is waiting to talk.
Getting out of a conversation is the part nobody teaches. Two lines cover it. "I am going to grab a coffee. It was good to meet you." Or better, hand them to somebody else: "You should meet Maria, she works with a lot of restaurants." Nobody is offended, and you just did the person a favor.
The One to One Is Where You Actually Win
The meeting is not where business gets decided. It is where you find the person worth an hour. That hour happens later, over coffee, with one person and no noise, which is a format you are already better at than the loud guy who worked the whole room.
Book it before you leave the building. "Can I buy you a coffee next week?" is easier to say face to face than to type on Tuesday, and it saves you the email you were dreading. If you do have to write, send it fast: this post covers what to send in the first 48 hours.
In the coffee itself, spend the first half on them. Ask who their good customers are and what a bad one looks like, so you can spot both. Then make your own request narrow enough that a face comes to mind. There is a full script for that in this post on how to ask for referrals so people know who to send you. Forty five minutes across a table will do more for your year than six loud evenings.
Questions I Get Asked
I tried a networking group once and hated it. Was it the wrong group, or is it me?
Usually the group. Ask two questions before you judge yourself: did the same people come back every time, and did you know in advance when you were speaking? If either answer is no, you were in an open room, which is the hardest starting point for a quiet person.
Do I have to go every single meeting?
Yes, and this one stings, because you will want to skip the weeks you are tired. Attendance is what makes the format work for you. Showing up half the time puts you back to introducing yourself to strangers, which is what you were trying to get away from.
What do I do when I forget somebody's name?
Say so straight away. "I know we met last month and your name is gone, remind me." Nobody has ever minded. Avoiding the person for three weeks is what costs you the relationship.
Can I just do it all online instead?
Online keeps a relationship warm, but it is a poor way to start one. On video there is no ten minutes of small talk afterward, and that is where people decide they like you. If your group runs hybrid, this post has the setup that keeps you visible on screen.
Find a Room That Suits the Way You Work
Prime Time Business Network is a category-exclusive networking group in South Florida. We started in 2012, and there are now more than 400 members meeting in small chapters across Miami-Dade, Broward and Palm Beach. One seat per category and a set agenda is the format quiet members do well in, because you know who will be there and when it is your turn to talk. The South Florida calendar fills back up from November through April, so the next few weeks are a good time to sit in while the rooms are still small. Find a chapter near you, use the where to network tool to see which groups fit your category, or get in touch and come as a guest.